It’s only fair that the household rantings between my wife and I should be shared – especially when we’re bantering away about the premiere of Orange Is The New Black. She might not see it that way, but she’s at work now.

1. Ruddy udders! Where’s the rest of the cast?

This was a real concern for us both, as we watched Piper begin her cross-country adventure. It was reminiscent of The Littlest Hobo crossed with Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I was half expecting to see the feisty bitch from the latter pop up to tell Piper there’s no way she’s getting access to a toilet. But she wouldn’t say that, she’d just say “you’re  fucked.” Because that’s what she does in the movie.

Then we both breathed a sigh of relief as we remembered the six featurettes with the cast of season two we’d watched. Moments before. As we were waiting for the new season to go live. So, we didn’t really need to be concerned. Only about our own shitty memory spans. But I’m not deleting this entry.

2. Is Piper’s new roommate related to the orderly from Terminator 2?

Everything’s all meta nowadays. Sly winks, nods and gropes from one hot property to the next. Dirty bastards. It’s not out of the question that OITNB’s creators were all sat about, chugging away at the 20/20 when they decided to mesh Piper’s tale of woe with Sarah Connor’s equally dire set of circumstances.

Her new roommate is an amalgam of everybody you meet at Coachella. Thick-rimmed glasses. A nagging desire to do your birth chart. Fuck off! Her nighttime activities include straddling Piper and licking her due to the lack of detail supplied to create said birth chart.

Now, I don’t know about you but this scene forged a connection in my mind between virginal hippy (above left) and the virginal orderly in Terminator 2 (above right). Not only do their share a physical similarity, but they like to lick the faces of the unwilling. It’s an unusual trait, hence the leap was made.

3. Can cockroaches really carry cigarettes?

An interesting detail integrated into the episode. Possibly to draw parallels between Piper’s drug muling antics that landed her in the slammer and the fact that cockroaches carrying cigarettes look like walking sushi.

It obviously was a brilliant way of initiating tension between Pipette and her new comrades. It was also a brilliant way of motivating me to see if I could get the crow that comes to our balcony for old chicken necks I throw out for him, to go and buy me a pack of American Spirit (the light blues.) I tempted him down to the deck with a $20 bill attached to a chicken kidney which he immediately rammed in his beak before flying off. I have yet to see any return on my investment and fear I have a long road ahead of me.

Did I miss anything?