This week sees the release of The Internship, a film berated by many for its unabashed Google product placement. I liked it. It prompted me to get home and Google Google. Will this mark the arrival of a whole new slew of films based around familiar brands? Probably not. But just in case, here are a few suggestions I think would be smashing.
Julie Walters and Helen Mirren star as two women pigsick of the usual warm sauces with which to top their husband’s dinners and set about creating their own thick brown goo. Cue a montage of them blowing up a school kitchen they’ve snuck into at night – until they finally admit defeat (and a lawsuit from the school) and enlist the help of Bisto’s
laboratories kitchens to come up with a winning horse heart gravy.
Ellen Page starts as a teenager struggling with a rite-of-passage all women go through. No, not getting beaten up behind the back of the youth club. Menstruation. Piling on the meta through repeated viewings of Carrie, she navigates her way through the trials and tribulations of school and the letdown of a number of unsatisfactory appliances. As the film reaches its denouement, she realises that there’s no competitor. There is only Tampax.
A remake of the 1986 film The Fly, this time around Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis’ relationship bypasses all of the revolting gunk of the film’s second half. This Raid-sponsored remake omits the repeated instances wherein Goldblum vomits all over donuts, and replaces them midway through by Davis pulling out a huge can of Raid from her bouffant and spraying it in his face until he dies. Might be quite short, this one.