We’re midway through 2013 which means that every weekend on the imminent cinematic calendar is full of blockbusters, sequels, superheroes and big budget comic book prequels. Let’s all get on our knees and pray to J.R. Hartley, because the second half promises to be equally as hyperbolic as the first half.
Before you settle in to enjoy this beast of a list, I suggest sticking the kettle on, making a brew and blocking out a half hour from your daily cat meme schedule. Failing that, hit “bookmark!” and return at a more suitable time.
Hold onto your butts, folks. Here’s my rundown of 45 upcoming films on at the cinema for the next six months. In this year commonly known as the year 2013.
1. Now You See Me
Release Date: 3rd July (UK) / 31st May (US)
Director: Louis Leterrier
Stars: Jesse Eisenberg, Isla Fisher, Woody Harrelson, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine
What’s The Story? A team of magicians bored of sawing women in half decide to use their combined skills to instead rob banks and give the money away to their audiences. Law enforcement soon catch on and before long an FBI agent and Interpol detective are on the case. Bah, they just want their hands on the loot.
Impress Your Mates: The original script didn’t include Fisher’s character. Thank goodness someone saw sense.
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2. The Bling Ring
Release Date: 5th July (UK) / 21st June (US)
Director: Sofia Coppola
Stars: Emma Watson, Leslie Mann, Gavin Rossdale
What’s The Story? Based on a true story, The Bling Ring follows a gaggle of rich kids in Los Angeles who spend their time swanning about online tracking down celebrities. With nothing better to do, they break into the homes of the rich and famous. And steal their swag.
Impress Your Mates: Emma Watson had her wallet nicked during filming.
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3. A Field In England
Release Date: 5th July (UK)
Director: Ben Wheatley
Stars: Julian Barratt, Michael Smiley, Reece Shearsmith
What’s The Story? Set during the English civil war, a bunch of deserters escape from battle only to be captured by two men. One of their captors forces them to traipse across a huge mushroom field on the hunt for treasure. Naturally things turn sour as the group descend into paranoic rantings. Which may or may not be because they’re off their knockers on ‘shrooms.
Impress Your Mates: The first UK film to ever be released in cinemas, VOD and Blu-ray simultaeneously.
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4. Pacific Rim
Release Date: 12th July
Director: Guillermo Del Toro
Stars: Charlie Hunnam, Idris Elba, Ron Perlman.
What’s The Story? When a surge of alien monsters rise up from the depths of the Ocean to attack Earth, a crew of giant robots are rolled out by the military to defend humanity from its impending demise. Big robots fighting huge lizardy monsters? Sounds grand.
Impress Your Mates: Tom Cruise was originally set to take on Elba’s role.
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5. The Wolverine
Release Date: 26th July
Director: James Mangold
Stars: Hugh Jackman, Famke Janssen
What’s The Story? Following on from X-Men: The Last Stand after the mutants disband, Wolverine takes a trip to Japan where he is confronted by a shadowy figure from his past who’s ass he needs to kick. This experience pushes him to the limit as he comes into contact with some old school Samurai steel.
Impress Your Mates: Hugh Jackman got his workout and nutritional advice from non other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
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6. Girl Most Likely
Release Date: 26th July (UK) / 19th July (US)
Director: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini
Stars: Kristen Wiig, Annette Bening, Matt Dillon
What’s The Story? Wiig’s Imogene is a failed New York playwright. After a failed relationship and career in tatters, she heads back home to New Jersey. Moving in with her mother and her bizarre boyfriend, she must comes to terms with her family and their unique dynamics (see: drunk and quirky.)
Impress Your Mates: Was originally called Imogene.
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7. The World’s End
Release Date: 19th July (UK) / 20th August (US)
Director: Edgar Wright
Stars: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Paddy Considine
What’s the story? Carrying on the Summer’s apocalyptic trend, The World’s End follows Pegg and his mates as they return to their hometown. With a mission to finally finish a legendary pub crawl they started in their youth, the five friends realise things have changed. And it’s not just the shitty cider that’s everywhere nowadays.
Impress your mates: All the pubs in the film are actual drinking establishments in Letchworth Garden City, Hertfordshire.
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8. The Heat
Release Date: 21st July (UK) / 28th June (US)
Director: Paul Feig
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Marlon Wayans
What’s the story? From the director of Bridesmaids comes another female oriented comedy, this time hauling in old school humourista Bullock as FBI agent Ashburn. When partnered with McCarthy’s rough n ready Boston cop, hilarity ensues. Yes, some of it happens in a toilet cubicle.
Impress your mates: This will be the second time Sandra Bullock has played an FBI agent – she previously played Gracie Hart in both Miss Congeniality movies.
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9. Only God Forgives
Release Date: 2nd August (UK) / July 19th (US)
Director: Nicolas Winding Refn
Stars: Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas
What’s the story? Gosling reunites with Drive director Refn, for another slice of brutality as drug-smugglier Julian. Making his living in Bangkok, he is tasked by his delightful mother (Kristin Scott Thomas), with finding his brother’s murderers. Sounds a bit Bleak House to me.
Impress your mates: Julian was originally a British chappie, before being rewritten as an American.
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